iheartguts:

I guess I would put her on “pause” if I could #gogreen

Today I talked with a fish.

  1. Camera: Motorola MB865
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Exposure: 1/10th
  4. Focal Length: 4mm
"Even if you know what’s coming, you’re never prepared for how it feels."

Natalie Standiford, How to Say Goodbye in Robot (via larmoyante)


The story of my life for most of this year. I’m sure it will continue to be this way.

Hair products I’ve used this week: baking soda, white vinegar, cornstarch, and coconut oil.

Did I ever mention before that I quit using conventional shampoo sometime in April? Maybe not, I was probably afraid of judgment and being told I’m gross. Actually, I love how much cleaner and fluffier my hair feels and the fact that I only have to wash it twice a week.

Personal care products from the kitchen are where it’s at.

My husband’s Pandora station played a Jack Johnson song and he asked who that was. Okay.

So I made some reference comparing him to Dave Matthews…

And he asked who THAT was.

Seriously? Did you live in a cave before you met me? Do you still live there now?

Well, that meltdown that I mentioned in my last post, the one that just wouldn’t happen, did happen last night. It was bad enough that I didn’t go to my husband’s company party with him today. I was wiped out.

I guess it’s kind of a relief, that maybe I’m not a robot and can still feel things. I had a pretty mellow day. Mental health days for me alternate between sleeping and doing chores while listening to worship music.

Fortunately for me, a bunch of local churches out here threw a HUGE music festival today just a few blocks from my house. I had a constant stream of live worship music happenin’ alllll day and I could hear it from inside my house. Matt and I went to check it out for a bit, but listened to the main act from our backyard around a fire.

In the end, it was a pretty good day.

All sorts of stuff happenin’ this week.

Monday was the 4th anniversary of my first date with Matt. Can you believe it? 4 years as a couple. FOUR YEARS! That’s high school. That’s college. That’s a presidency. We’ve been together four years, and I think we still even like each other. It is hard to not fall into the complacency of marriage some days, it really is. We try to keep doing fun things together to enjoy each other’s company, though, and it makes a big difference.

Today I believe is my in-laws’ wedding anniversary. They have been married 31 years today. It is kind of weird that they were married right before my parents.

But that’s the part where I struggle with resentment. My parents would’ve been married 31 years next month, except my mom will have been a widow for six months as of this Saturday.

And then it’s hard to believe that it’s already been six months. Sometimes it still feels so new and startling, and other times it feels like a heavy reality I’ve been carrying around for as long as I can remember.

I still haven’t had a nervous breakdown or acted a fool or even really cried that much. I still feel like it’s coming, though. I just keep pushing it down. I’m pretty sure I will until it pushes back and I can’t fight it anymore. I have no clue what will happen then.

In other news, I have been having a hard time breathing lately. It’s been bothersome, but today it was enough to actually scare me. Shortness of breath due to anxiety is nothing new to me, but it’s never felt quite like this before. After talking with a co-worker we came to the most logical conclusion that it’s acid reflux, since it’s been at its worst after eating. I don’t know why suddenly everything I eat suffocates me, though.

I do know that for 3-4 months after my dad died, I had hives on my hands show up randomly throughout the day, every day. I don’t know exactly when they went away - they had become a part of my life, until at some point they just weren’t. So maybe it’s not even about what I’m eating. Maybe the stress just moved along and decided to manifest in a totally different way.

There’s a lot going on this week. There’s just a lot going on, even for how boring I claim my life is. It’s never really boring.

Weird grainy selfie to commemorate today’s accomplishment. I ran 5 miles up and down hills through the woods and my legs even still kinda work. I also won a pair of socks, for “placing in my age group.” It took me just over an hour and I am fairly certain there were only 2 or 3 of us even in my age group but still, free stuff!

Maybe I’ll try taking a better pic later but I fear judgment from my husband and I can’t take one in a better-lit area without him knowing and laughing at me.

Weird grainy selfie to commemorate today’s accomplishment. I ran 5 miles up and down hills through the woods and my legs even still kinda work. I also won a pair of socks, for “placing in my age group.” It took me just over an hour and I am fairly certain there were only 2 or 3 of us even in my age group but still, free stuff!

Maybe I’ll try taking a better pic later but I fear judgment from my husband and I can’t take one in a better-lit area without him knowing and laughing at me.

  1. Camera: Motorola MB865
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Focal Length: 4mm

These might be my favorites that I’ve had so far. The part that looks dark is actually a bright, shiny silver. The pink is a good color for me.

  1. Camera: Motorola MB865
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Exposure: 1/100th
  4. Focal Length: 4mm

I know that my disinterest in babies and parenting is surprising at best and super annoying at worst. BUT…

My best friend has never wanted anything more than to be a mom and she and her husband have fought for years to make it happen. Last week, they adopted three children from state foster care and I am so happy for everyone involved that I seriously can’t even deal with it. I’m gonna go cry happiness and rainbows in a corner now.