Someone I haven’t talked to in awhile asked me for a favor today, and it made me remember that I’m really mad at this person. I haven’t dealt with it because there has been no interaction in a long time and no reason to do so, and now I’m struggling with what I should do about it. I like to think I am not a terrible and vindictive person, but… It’s stirring up a lot of nasty feelings I have paid no attention to whatsoever over these last few months.

It makes me wonder if people I haven’t talked to in awhile are secretly really upset with me, and I have no clue. Scary.

Well today it’s been seven months, and tomorrow would’ve been my parents’ 31st wedding anniversary.

I was driving to work this morning when my screaming song came on (read back a ways to find out what one that is). Except I couldn’t scream. I just cried. And then again at lunch. I holed up alone and cried. I managed to keep it to myself well enough, touched up the makeup and got back to work. Until later when I had a third episode in front of my brother in law. Which was fine, since he is in this with me anyway.

I’ve been on auto-pilot for seven months now and it’s hard to believe it’s been that long. I feel like I have done nothing useful in the last seven months and like I’m going nowhere.

I still don’t talk about this stuff, ever. To anyone. I push it down until it pushes back, and when it does I isolate completely.

I say this like I want to change it, but I’m not sure that I really do.

People often comment on how smiley and borderline obnoxiously cheerful I always am, like I’m not capable of feeling sad or angry. Or they think I’m just really good at faking it.

In truth, it’s neither; often times it’s simply a matter of choosing joy even when things are crappy. I don’t think people realize that I make a conscious effort to have a good attitude most of the time.

But sometimes, I just… Can’t.

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well I will figure this one out on my own…

I wish this song wasn’t on the Twilight soundtrack. It makes me sheepish about liking it as much as I do.

Sorry for all the song lyrics lately. Sometimes I lack the creativity for my own words. I’d say it’s just a phase, but it might not be.

The aftermath of the UV Splash ColorDash. I drove home like this. Would’ve been fun to have stopped somewhere, or maybe to have been pulled over. ;)

I got a bunch of corn starch in my left eye and in retrospect, NOT wearing my contacts to the race was probably the best decision I made tonight.

  1. Camera: Motorola MB865
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Focal Length: 4mm

Did my nails for a 5k I’m doing tonight. We are Team Skittles and I am the red Skittle! The accent nails represent all the Skittles. ;)

  1. Camera: Motorola MB865
  2. Aperture: f/2.4
  3. Exposure: 1/278th
  4. Focal Length: 4mm

I have this co-worker who is, well, seems quite fond of me. I’d call him a secret admirer, except it is a secret to no one whatsoever. I don’t even feel bad writing about this, because I don’t think he tries or cares to hide it.

Yesterday when I returned to work after a sick day, I found an assortment of books in my office, along with a big, brightly colored plush owl sitting in my chair at my desk. He starts an hour before me and has “decorated” my office on several occasions.

Later my boss stopped by to see how I was doing. Still not feeling the greatest, I hadn’t moved or even looked at everything I’d acquired that morning.

Boss: Vampires? Cockatiels For Dummies? Where did these come from?
Me: Just guess.
Boss: He’s kind of like a big cat that brings you dead mice, isn’t he?

The best analogy to describe this relationship that I’ve heard yet.

Achoo!

I am the biggest baby when it comes to being sick. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I got a sore throat Monday afternoon and then felt a little wonky yesterday, but still made it through the day. I thought maybe I would be off the hook easy again with just a nuisance cold, but overnight I got even worse. The last few I’ve had have been like this. They aren’t that bad for 3-4 days and just about the time I’d expect to get better, BAM. I am stuck in bed all day shivering and delirious.

I think the thing I hate the most is that I don’t feel well enough to exercise. I have been working out like a fiend lately and finally got back to an activity level that effectively manages my neurotic tendencies. I was just telling my not-quite-yet bro-in-law (who is also my co-worker) that that level is at least 5 days a week. I’m like my Jack Russell/Rat Terrier, I need constant exercise or I get bored and bother everyone with my antics.

I have a 5k race on Saturday so I guess I’ll be moving by then. Though it’ll probably be walking, not running. In the aftermath of these killer colds I always wind up with a sore tooth from raging sinuses for about a month. I can’t run with my post-cold toothache.

Right now I’d happily take walking though. And talking in my normal voice without pain.

Wahhhhhhhhhhh.

iheartguts:

Do most of your socks have holes in the heels again? ORGAN-ic Socks to your rescue! ;)

I should probably get these.

I can’t imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don’t understand all the things you’ve seen
But I’m slipping in between
You and your big dreams.

*swoon*

Thanks to the annoying Utopia commercials that keep playing while Matt is watching football, I’ve decided that “I’m 180 pounds of twisted steel & sex appeal” should be my new slogan.

Also, I’m bummed that the Vikings did a fantastic job for once and my dad isn’t around to enjoy it.